It can be deeply disheartening when grandparents don’t seem to show any interest in their grandchildren, especially when it feels like this should be a joyful and naturally affectionate relationship. As someone who writes about grandparenting on Instagram as @morethangrand, I receive messages from parents who are grappling with this very issue. They express their frustrations and hurt, often feeling like they’re alone in their experience.
The image of grandparents as endlessly loving and involved is a common one, but unfortunately, it doesn’t always align with reality. Not all families are blessed with grandparents who are eager to play an active role in their grandchildren’s lives. For those who are dealing with grandparents who seem indifferent or distant, it can be particularly painful. The contrast between the idealized vision of grandparents showering their grandchildren with affection and the actual lack of involvement can make the situation feel even more acute.
“They’re not losing out, they’re not hurting, they have other people in their life that make them feel good,” she continues. “Yes, grandparents are incredibly beneficial for childrenonly ifthey are not problematic.”
When you see other parents talking about their own parents dropping by with gifts and affection, it can amplify your own sense of loss and disappointment. You might worry that your children will feel unloved or neglected due to their grandparents’ apparent lack of interest. Understanding why some grandparents may be reluctant or disengaged can be a step toward navigating these feelings and finding a way to address the situation.
Here’s a bit of insight into why this might happen and some suggestions on how to handle it.
Why some people don’t want to be involved grandparents
Keep in mind that just as not everyone wants to be a parent, not everyone wants to be a grandparent. The difference is that you usually have control over when and if you become a parent. Grandparents don’t have any say in whether they’ll be handed that role, and there are all sorts of reasons they may not be interested in it. I’m not suggesting that any of this is easy to hear, or that you have to feel happy about it. I just want to offer a little context.
What to do if you feel like your kids are missing out
Yes, grandparents can add a lot to a child’s life, but so can any adult who loves your child and wants to be part of their life. Your close friends can be as doting as a grandparent, and are often more willing to get down on the floor and play. Your mom and dad may not be there for your kids, but your aunt or uncle might jump at the chance to fill the grandparent role.
Look for surrogate grandparents in other areas of your life. The retired couple across the street? Invite them for a barbecue and see if they enjoy the kids. Your co-worker whose grandkids live in another country? Ask her if she’d be willing to come to Grandparent’s Day at your kid’s school. That cheerful older gent at the gym? Get to know him and invite him into your life.